


Augmentation

by bloomoonbaby



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Crack, Gender Related, M/M, boob job gone wrong, but then it is Red Dwarf, inconsistent character portrayal, puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-08
Updated: 2013-08-08
Packaged: 2017-12-22 19:41:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/917291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloomoonbaby/pseuds/bloomoonbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kryten: Do you remember when you got your mumps and rubella injection?<br/>Lister: Yeah, I asked for a Rube jab and I got a boob job.</p><p>~~~</p><p>Slashy version on the aftermath of this accident in the medi-lab. Before X and they could be in an established relationship or not. I am also terribly sorry for the puns. Un-beta'd. If I had one I don't think they'd let me get away with the puns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Augmentation

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!  
  
The sound invaded the brain of the sleeping Dave Lister.  The last human groaned deep in his throat and his hand twitched. The smeg is that noise? Rimmer's alarm clock? Kryten reversing? Cat's game of Simon? He didn't know. His eyes were still heavy and he knew he could catch three or more hours of sleep. If only he could turn off that beeping noise. If he could turn it off throbbing headache it was causing would stop and he could fall back to sleep. Eyes still closed he very careful unpeeled is sticky bottom lip from his top and opened his mouth to order the noise to stop.  
  
"Orerfff" he managed to say. Naturally that didn't do a thing.  He cleared his throat and tried again. "Off!" He ordered, it didn't turn off in fact the beeping noise increased tempo. Lister groaned and very very reluctantly he forced his eyes open. He was in the medi-lab and he was hooked up to the ECG. He sat up careful not to disrupt any of the things attached to his skin and looked around confused. How did he end up here?  
  
"You're awake!" a cheery voice to his right brightly twanged. Lister turned to look at the grinning face with the stethoscope on his forehead.

  
"The operation was a success!" it continued oblivious to Lister's confusion, "Yay! You just need to sit tight for five more minutes while I run some scans and then you're free to go!" Operation? wondered Lister he couldn't remember asking for one. Lister in a rare and responsible move had asked for a mumps and rubella shot about a month ago and last night finally the computer called him in. He remembered Kryten fretting over him, cat decrying the horrible shade of green of the hospital gown and Rimmer told him of the time his great uncle died from mumps and rubella shot. But it probably wouldn't happen to him Rimmer had reassured him as his uncle only died because he was a chronic smoker who didn't bother to exercise. The last thing he remembered as he was rendered unconscious was the the medi-lab screeching at the crew to get out. That is probably what medi-lab was referring to.  
  
"Great success!" the computer babbled, "The breast augmentation was a success!"

  
"The what?" grumbled Lister rubbing his eyes with a fist.  
"The boob job" the medi-lab repeated remembering he had to speak in the colloquial.

  
"Oh right," Lister nodded, "the boob jo..." Lister froze. His hands leapt towards his chest and he found himself cupping breasts and not the breasts of a mildly overweight man in his mid-forties but proper womanly breasts. He squeezed the left. Yes it had been literally been millions of years since he had felt tit, with the exception of his Kinitawowian wife, but he knew exactly what he had in his hands. Breasts!

  
"I asked for a smegging rube Jab!" He yelled at the medi-lab. The medi-lab bristled in surprise at the outburst, who for once had nothing to say. Lister continued yelling obscenities at the medi-lab and shortly Kryten followed by Rimmer burst into the room.  
  
"Oh Mr Lister sir!" wailed Kryten rushing to his bedside. "Are you ok? I knew it was a bad idea to leave you alone here. What did he do to you? Did he use the wrong needle gauge?" Kryten put his hand to Lister's forehead, who rolled his eyes, to try and figure out what was wrong with his Mr Lister. Rimmer however immediately spotted what had happened. His mouth fell open and he stared. Before he had the chance to say something. Cat sauntered in and spotted Lister.  
  
"Hey bud!" he yowled and without missing a beat he said "Even those mighty big D's can't make that gown work! Give it up!" Lister glared at Cat and Rimmer by the door and very coolly removed Kryten's hand from his forehead. He slid off the bed, the medi-lab had disengaged him from the ECG and other machines while Lister was insulting the parent company that developed his software, and Lister stormed out of the medi-lab probably to go and get himself a vindaloo and sulk.  
  
"What is wrong with Mr Lister sir?" asked Kryten forlorn as he tried to follow after Lister. Rimmer who had recovered from the surprise enough to grab Kryten's arm and speak.  
  
"Medi-lab screwed up the shot you idiot." Rimmer bit down a laugh, the bastard opportunist in Rimmer was gleefully considering the ways he could have one up on Lister, "He got a _tit_ more than he _bra-gined_ for." The joke went over the mechanoid's head who had deleted everything concerning women after Kochanski left and Cat had simply ignored him. Rimmer shook his head. _Peasants_ he thought. Aloud he said, "I'll deal with him Kryten. You can discuss with the medi-lab on organising a breast reduction or whatever." He practically swaggered to the door, turning back around to say "Keep in touch Kryten! I want to keep abreast of the situation." He smirked and marched in direction that Lister had left.  
  
It took Rimmer a while to find Lister, he had checked with Lister's favourite vending machines, the sleeping quarters, Kochanski's sleeping quarters and the drive room before it occurred to him that Lister did not want to be found. Ignoring Lister's wishes and suddenly realising where Lister could be hiding he turned on his heel and immediately made his way to the Observation deck. Rimmer guessed right as he spotted Lister huddled in the small dome. His face stony and his body language clearly telling Rimmer to leave and throw himself out of the air-lock before Lister did it for him.  
  
"Obvious." Rimmer muttered cocking an eyebrow. Lister ignored him. Rimmer turned his back on Lister and looked up at the endless expanse of space before them and louder he said, "It's a bit nippy up here isn't it?" Almost instantly he felt Lister leap to his feet behind him.  
  
"Don't fuck with me!" he growled his voice shaky with rage. Rimmer smirked, to him it felt like all of his Christmases had come at once. He could see the shorter man in the glass and that reflected expression of mingled hurt and rage was gorgeous.  
  
"You can't blame the medi-lab," Rimmer chided, "He boobed. Could happen to anyone." Rimmer was concentrating so hard at this point on not breaking into laughter he wasn't prepared for Lister grabbing his shoulder, turning him around and pushing him so he was pinned awkwardly against the dome wall.  
  
"Rimmer," Lister spat his voice carrying a deadly edge, "Don't." Rimmer glared right back, his nostrils flaring.  
  
"Or what?" asked Rimmer, suddenly aware that if he egged Lister on anymore he'd probably be leaving with a black eye but he couldn't stop now.  Lister moved in closer so both men were touching chest to chest. Rimmer gasped as he felt Lister's new additions against himself. They stared at each other for the longest time, he could feel Lister's hot jagged  breath on his throat and for the first time felt a bit fearful. However he ignored it and very very slowly with his lips pressed together he spread them into a thin mocking smile and eyebrow quirking up again in defiance.  
  
Suddenly Lister exhaled, pressed his forehead to Rimmer's shoulder and wrapped his arms around Rimmer's neck. Then his shoulders started heaving. Rimmer narrowed his eyes. Did he just break him? His hands sort of twitched to as if to hug him back but then he realised. He pushed Lister back to arms length and his eyes widened. The git was giggling! Lister tried to stop and frown, but the glint in his eyes just would not leave. Rimmer released Lister and then at the same time they're expressions cracked and the two men began laughing. Rimmer fell to his knees boneless, hands splayed out on his thighs, tears streaming down his face as his laughter rose up by several octaves, Lister had slid down the dome wall as he howled at the ridiculousness of the situation. He had breasts! Female breasts.  
  
Why was he so pissed about it? Kryten'll sort out the medi-lab and before he knew it, he'd have his own breasts back. No sweat. Eventually both men managed to calm down their hysterics but not before Lister whispered "Nippy" breathlessly which set them off on another round of chortling. Lister grinned at the holograms back still twitching from all of the laughter. He grabbed at Rimmer's shoulder and coaxed him to sit beside him.  
  
"Thank you man." Rimmer nodded and he ran a hand through his hair quickly glancing at Lister before looking away again. Lister noticed and his grin widened to a cheshire cat proportions. Oh  
  
"Oh you smegger!" Lister chuckled grabbing Rimmer by his jacket and using it to help him straddle the hologram. He kissed the hologram hard on the mouth. Rimmer responded enthusiastically his hands pushing up underneath the surgical gown Lister still wore, finding a hold on Lister's hips. Lister dragged his mouth across Rimmer's cheek and nibbled gently on the shell of the hologram's ear before whispering,  
"Thanks to some twit being terribly gorgeous and irresitable, I have this terrible problem," he pressed himself against Rimmer to emphasise the point he wanted to make, "I was hoping you could help me _nip_ it in the _bud_." Rimmer groaned at the pun.  
  
"You're never gonna let me live this down now will you?" Rimmer whined as Lister lashed his tongue down the side of his neck.

  
"You deserve it you idiot," Lister murmured before nipping Rimmer on the shoulder, "But its not all bad." And before Rimmer could ask why Lister grabbed the collar of the gown he was wearing and pulled it over his head and flung the thing down the stairs. Rimmer's pupil dilated as he was met with an eyeful of bare breast. He gulped as he found his trousers rather tight. Of course Lister was naked underneath the gown. One hand that was gripped on Lister's hips slowly inched its way up Lister's side. Rimmer hadn't seen many naked breasts in real life so he didn't have much to compare but to him they were perfection. True it was a bit odd to see them set out on Lister's masculine frame and it was worrying that he could not figure out how the medi-lab put them on there. But they were breasts. He placed his palm over one and it fit comfortably in his palm he looked at Lister's face who had closed his eyes at the touch. Evidently they were sensitive like the real things. He thumbed the nipple gently and he gasped as it tightened in arousal. Lister sighed.  
  
"Go on," he urged Rimmer. "They're not gonna fall off... I think." Rimmer snickered at that final absurd image before he squeezing the breast he had in his hand and tongued the nipple of the other gently. Lister rolled his eyes at Rimmer.

  
"Suck it man!" Lister ordered moving in closer and Rimmer happily obliged, humming as he got to tease and worry the little bud in his mouth while massaging the other breast with circular motions. Lister awkwardly kissed his forehead and he moved the arms he had draped loosely over Rimmer's shoulders moved to cup the back of Rimmer's neck and play with the collar. No wonder the women he had been with enjoyed this sort of foreplay. If he hadn't been fully erect now, he was now. The other hand on Lister's hip moved around to stroke the underside of Lister's cock.  
  
"Oh g...od Rimmer," Lister stuttered. He was not expecting that. Rimmer tried to say something affirmative in response but all Lister heard was a murmuring noise. The finger that lingered on Lister turned into a hand and as Rimmer started to stroke him more or less in time with the tongue on Lister's breast. Lister's head lolled forward so his forehead was more or less resting on the top of Rimmer's head. His head felt hazy but the rest of his body felt electric. Rimmer suddenly dropped the breast from his mouth and moved the hand that was on Lister's other breast to the back of Lister's neck and kissed the man straddling him.  
  
"Lister he whispered hoarsely licking his lips before putting his mouth on Lister's other breast and started sucking hard. Lister mewled and he involuntarily dug his fingers into the back of Rimmer's neck this one was more sensitive. In response Rimmer stroked Lister even faster, ocassionally swirling a thumb over the head of Lister's cock before stroking again. After that it did not take long for Lister to come. He gasped at squeezed his eyes shut as he felt himself come over Rimmer's hand. He gabbled something like "Arn, god Arn!" and as soon as Rimmer let go of the other breast he kissed Rimmer.  
  
"Oh god," he panted into Rimmer's ear. Rimmer smirked at the puddle of Lister in his arms and shifted slightly.

  
"Am I forgiven now?" Rimmer asked cockily. Lister grinned weakly as yes but it was quickly replaced with horror as he realised the fully clothed Rimmer was still in need of a hand.  
  
"Oh smeg!" quickly Lister climbed off and coaxed Rimmer to move so he could unbutton and unzip him. Rimmer obeyed and soon his head was lolling back on the wall making strange squealy noises as Lister lay between his legs and enthusiastically nuzzled and licked him. Rimmer overwhelmed from the day's events didn't last long and he came with a heady groan. They snuggled together in the observation dome and shakily snoozed side by side. Confused but satisifed.

 

~fin  
  
  
Epilogue: Cat found the gown and ordered his personal skutter to throw it out the airlock whereapon it flew out and got stuck on the windscreen of a small ship that crashed and killed the older brother of a character named Hoguey the Roguey. Lister got his manly chest back but not before getting a botox injection in his ear. He also convinced Rimmer to alter his projection so he could feel the joy of boobs. Kryten also learnt how to react appropiately to terrible puns...


End file.
